i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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