My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
