I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
someone owes me an orgasm
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
