Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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