Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
