I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
