i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
