did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
