So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
