I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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