Sober January is a disaster.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
