Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
