woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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