someone get that fucking seahorse.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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