yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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