saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
