Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
