you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
third nipple confirmed
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
