i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
