Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my shit smells like andre
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
