You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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