Pappa wants mamma naked
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
