apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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