I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
