My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
