I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
