I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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