sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
