I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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