She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
