I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
