We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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