Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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