Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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