Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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