On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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