How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
