i need an iv and a liver transplant
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
