when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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