my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
