Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
