Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
