My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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