I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
