Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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