I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
