i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
