my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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