I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
