dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
