My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
