youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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