Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
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The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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