Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
