That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
