Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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