She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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