Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
