so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
