New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
