Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
