The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
