Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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